This Sunday, June 14 (“Flag Day,” if you can remember that holiday), the White House will host on its South Lawn the “UFC Freedom 250” mixed martial arts festival, which will show the subtlety and sophistication of Donald Trump’s taste in entertainment and the arts. After the courts ordered that his name come off the Kennedy Center, he may establish a Trump Center for Martial Arts. Cynics suggest that this timing derives more from the fact that it is the President’s 80th birthday than that it is Flag Day (indeed, we should expect a Presidential Executive Order making the date a national holiday).
Still, there is a deeper and unfulfilled significance to this martial arts festival. Boxing and martial arts are small stuff to a president who wants to be measured on the scale of a Julius Caesar. In that light, his natural goal should be a revival of the ancient Roman tradition of gladiator matches, just like those that used to pack the Roman Colosseum. Imagine the following: Trump would sit in a facsimile of the Emperor’s box, gilded in gold and overlooking the arena below. Using only the weapons as employed back then, the contestants would salute the President in unison, saying “We who are about to die salute you President Trump.” These words would bring a small tear to the President’s eye.
The contestants would then compete to the death, but the victorious gladiator could not finish off a defeated opponent until the victorious gladiator looked up to the President and saw him signal either “thumbs up” or, more likely, “thumbs down”—again with a small tear in his eye. The contestants would be rewarded out of the proceeds of a $1.8 billion slush fund that the courts have frozen but could accept if the use of the funds was changed to a national educational project. The purpose of this project would be to teach Americans the ancient Roman virtues (as perceived by President Trump)—namely, Stoicism, Obedience to orders, and Absolute Loyalty to one’s leaders.[1]
But, wouldn’t this contest still amount to a conspiracy to commit murder or at least illegal dueling? Remember here that the Supreme Court has granted legal immunity to presidents from criminal liability for acts taken in office. Further, Trump’s “thumbs up” and “thumbs down” signals could be construed as responses to requests for pardons or reprieves (at least according to Trump’s imaginative legal staff). Neither the granting nor denial of a pardon request is subject to judicial review. Finally, the victor in these duels could be guaranteed a presidential pardon. To make the President’s pardon power complete, the District of Columbia laws forbidding murder, dueling, or like crimes could be transferred to federal law so that they were covered by the presidential pardon power. Nice legal thinking, staff.
Some other cosmetic changes are also needed to elevate the scale of this event. Historically, the month of July was originally named Quintilis, but Romans renamed that month July in honor of Julius. Correspondingly, the U.S. could rename June (which contains Trump’s birthday) to become “Trumpus”—just a small act of thanks for a man who has done so much to so many.
This still leaves open the question of why anyone would volunteer to be a gladiator given the high mortality rate. Here, the Trump legal staff has shown its unique ability to focus pressure on those it wants to comply. Unlawful immigrants who volunteer to become gladiators and their families would receive guaranteed U.S. citizenship. Some immigrants would be literally dying to receive this honor.
This June’s UFC Freedom 250 event will be broadcast by Paramount, which has an important merger pending before the President. In the future, Fox News will handle the broadcasts. The prediction markets also want to participate in these events. They are less interested in betting on the victors than handling the betting on how frequently (if ever) Trump will give the thumbs up signal: once, twice, or zero.
Could there be any hitch in these plans? The Trump legal staff has been discussing this quietly with a variety of legal and political experts. Most believe that they can convince a majority of the Supreme Court to uphold their plans and give a broad construction to the pardon power. But recently, strange messages have been received from unknown hackers, saying only “Sic semper tyrannis.” What could that mean in this context? Well, that is too speculative a question. Hey, let’s just relax and enjoy the games. Happy Birthday, Mr. President.
ENDNOTE
[1] The Romans did not fully learn this message of absolute loyalty to their leader, as Brutus proved to Caesar. Shakespeare quotes Brutus as saying, “Sic semper tyrannis.” We will not insult your intelligence by translating the Latin.
John C. Coffee, Jr. is the Adolf A. Berle Professor of Law at Columbia University Law School and Director of its Center on Corporate Governance.